Where did HE go?

The once respected solid, vibrant, and firm husband, brother, father, uncle, or boyfriend has suddenly disappeared. Even when he is in the room, his known enduring strong presence cannot be felt. Something has happened to him. Where did he go and why?

Imagine taking a relaxing walk in a quiet street on a beautiful day. Suddenly, Baaaaamm!! Someone randomly punched you smack in the face. You kinda know the dangers of walking in the streets alone, but really it is not always that serious. What do you do? For a good few seconds, you are looking quite unpretty and well confused. Do you fight or flight?

This is exactly what I think happens to men in the ages between 40 and 60. Life punches us straight in the face, it’s probably one of the harshest moments of reckoning. For most men, I gather, this age triggers “flight” response mode – one of the two hardwired survival mechanisms.

In this article, I contemplate on what I think is the reason for a man who got punched in the face, to choose flight in response, and where he goes.

At a tender age of between 40 and 60 years old, yes, “tender,” because maturity is overrated, men also experience an overwhelming convergence of life events – the punch straight in the face. The kind that makes the once solid, vibrant, and firm husband, brother, father, uncle, or boyfriend suddenly disappear. For some unfortunately, this punch result in an instant total knock-out – all hope is lost. For some men, this age represents a peak of everything they had ever dreamt of, breaking glass ceilings, financial breakthroughs, happy family life, good social status etc.,

The “word on the street” about the man who disappear goes something like this: He is always out late with his friends, he quit his job, he is just seating around the house with no plans and no ideas, he has a new born child outside his current marriage, he is spending more time with young girls, he is buying or spending money on unnecessary things, he is useless, he has no sense of direction, he is behaving like a teenager, he drinks too much, he is always angry or in a bad mood, he isolates himself, he doesn’t want to talk about finances, he has no time for his family.

It is important to highlight that, if these signs are out of character or suddenly on overdrive, then they are likely signs of a man about to disappear.

Ultimately, he left and never came back. Pause…, suddenly the once cherished provider, protector, head of the family, strong and firm figure, is nowhere to be seen or felt. His respect? Up for grabs. So, what really triggered his disappearance?

Why life begins at 40…

Life is said to begin at 40 and so is the beginning of the “midlife crisis” shit show for many men.

When I was a teenager, I felt like nothing moved me, be it authority, parents, teachers, I mean nothing intimidated me. You want to fight? Bring it on… all I needed was to watch a few tricks from a Bruce Lee movie. That’s it, I didn’t need practice – I was ready.  I wasn’t a genius or multitalented, NO, I now know, it was just my testosterone levels that were then ridiculously on overdrive. The testosterone levels ruled over my intellect, emotional intelligence and common sense. It was testosterone and adrenaline rush driven dictatorship running my body.

Between the ages of 40 and 60, the showstopper begins, the cumulative effect of the gradual annual decline in testosterone becomes physically and mentally noticeable for many men. It is also a time when men confront their mortality, age and unfulfilled life goals.

Life begins at 40 because in the two decades, a man is ideally employed and in mid to peak career levels, probably running several side hustles, married and/or divorced, has substantial amount of loans to pay, kids becoming teenagers, ageing parents, and not forgetting other society expectations of a grown man – everyone is watching as this life movie unfolds. In a nutshell, life events converge to make a nice sandwich of this man – this is the punch in the face.

Why the punch in the face hurts some more than others?

At this age, the foundation in which a man built his house upon is being put to test. He is forced to take stock of his investments made in developing his intellect, emotional intelligence, exercising the use common sense, and the community values built over time. The grounds that built his character, discipline, self-restraint, resilience, beliefs and habits are being shaken and put to a test.

When the man I am writing about in this article took stock of his investments, this is how it went down.

At work: The reality of “go to school so as you get a good job”, starts to check in. He didn’t go to school as advised. He is qualified but unemployed. He has a job but has hit the glass ceiling. His salary is not enough to pay all the bills. Loans are the only way to get past life events. 

At home: His kids who once used to be his source of pride and entertainment are now teenagers threatening his existence by rebelling – he recognizes he was once there – but now only identifies them by their unreasonable demands, bad behaviors, and how expensive their school fees is.

Homeownership: He is now seeing his dad’s ancestral home/land as his dream house and promised land – he wonders when the dad will vacate the property. He doesn’t see himself building or owning a home. He is currently avoiding his landlord.

The morning glory: His flag that used to unconditionally rise every morning to announce his presence to the nation, is constantly on sabbatical leave, requiring him to overthink of which muscle and brain neurons to activate and excite for a lasting standing ovation. 

In marriage: The wife he married is not the one he is enjoying spending the fun nights and dates with anymore. She is occupied navigating work and family life. She is tired of his behaviors. She is also having a very unhealthy affair with either perimenopause or menopause. I mean his wife is also not understanding who she is and what her body is doing to her. He doesn’t recognize her, and she doesn’t recognize him. The two once very familiar love birds are becoming strangers, if not at the verge of being sworn enemies.

Socially: Parents are ageing. Peer pressure still mounts, because social status matters. Resentments surface.

You guy, my guy…the list is endless. Regardless of developments or how progressive societies claim to be, this man is still expected to be a man – the lighthouse, unwavering, solid, and firm provider and protector. Can he really pull it off?

How much damage did the punch cause?

It’s a shit show. The punch in the face destroyed him. His trust in self and confidence have been largely bruised. His respect and self-worth are up for grabs. The once celebrated choices made, and habits built in his 20s and 30s no longer make sense and difficult to undo – especially the self-destructive ones. A social misfit. Financially struggling or broke, heartbroken, body breaking apart, marriage struggling to keep pieces together, relationship with children is on eggshells, relationship with parents strained or feels demanding. The guy is literally limping but trying to keep his shit together. He is mentally, physically and emotionally feeling defeated.

What then? Run bro…

As the pressure builds and mounts from this convergence of life events in this scenario, he feels like he doesn’t “fit in” anymore, he sees it that way. But the skill he has mastered over time is to internalize issues, look strong and fall with pride not like a sack of maize – at the end he is a man, right? But it is now too much, the demons inside can no longer be contained and are seeking for an outlet, so he flees and isolates himself from the community he once thrived in. 

He looks for something/somewhere different or something he thinks will make a difference. He tries to find an “easier” life – another life of his choosing that he feels he can easily control. He considers restarting. His closest community has been the constant touch point and likely the closest source of conflict or struggle. He still loves his “peace of mind” – even if his actions might prove otherwise – so any change will supposedly be in the direction that gives the so-called “peace of mind.” This could be a different job, including quitting if no other jobs are in the radar, new desperate business deals, a different wife, another girlfriend(s), a different social experience – especially to meet the unfulfilled desires, even if it means an overdrive of self-destructive habits. Sounds dumb right? Yes, but this, in my view, is likely what is called “midlife crisis” for men.

He still wants to thump his chest, which is now smaller in muscle mass but expect to be heard from miles away – hence the need to change the environment – where the thumping of the chest can supposedly, be better acknowledged or even recognized in a different way.

So, where exactly does he run to?

Most likely in isolation or in a new “community”. He is likely in hiding in the “word on the street” or constantly switching hiding places with a hope of finding a “nothing box” to process this overwhelming convergence of life events. Maybe to try and restart. Can he come out or come back from his hiding place? To me, it depends on how damaged he was when he left and how much of a man is left in him. Unfortunately for men, regardless of how strong and firm on the outside we appear, still waters run deep, a lot remain unsaid and caged, and when prisoners breakout of jail it becomes a manhunt – a fugitive on the run.

What if being punched in the face is a rite of passage for men.

As the two decades mark a sensitive transition period for men, the alternative to flight is fight, but how much fight can one put up at this age? If the community that built him or he built is now ashamed and utterly disgusted by him – where does he begin the fight? He is unhappy but just being “macho” about it. I mean, his foundations are badly compromised. Can or should a better man come out of this period without completely turning everything upside down?

Is there such a thing as a smart recovery after such an ordeal? Is there a safe and healthy environment where such men can find that peace of mind and be unjudged to help them recover?

As I conclude…

The bottom line is, even the iconic Mohamed Ali and Mike Tyson, however skilled, they still got punched in the face every now and then. The punch in the face is real for men in the ages between 40 and 60. Both fight and flight are natural responses, but to not chose flight, requires preparations and reskilling. Some of the life skills required at this age need to be nurtured way through childhood. For now, I think vital skills to learn are:-

1. How to notice triggers, signals and forces of change coming while they are still far,
2. When to externalize things, talk and share to better understand consequences before making big life changing decisions, and
3. How to prepare and build strong and trusted social support systems to help us “fight” or navigate the negative effects of the punch in the face.

A bigger question remains in me, is there a second chance for him? Who welcomes him back? Is that his only destiny or is it fate? What are your thoughts about men battling with midlife crisis and how they should navigate this period?

May all the men, boys, and the boychild aspire to be a lighthouse. Next time you hear the “word on the street” about him – check in.